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The International Assembly of Poets Invites You – a tale in junk mail

by Frank on February 7th, 2012

Dear Jessica,

Thank you for your submission—and congratulations!  Your poem, “Clouds Know” has been selected for the Young North American Poets 2010 Collection, a classically-bound volume suitable for display and gift giving that you and your family will treasure forever.  In addition, you are invited to read your poem, “Clouds Know “ at the International Assembly of Poets Symposium at the Disney World Resort in Orlando, Florida, on February 13, 2011!

Tickets to this event are selling rapidly, as you might imagine.  Being a selected contributor, Jessica, a place will be reserved for you at no additional charge if you return the enclosed order form for five or more copies of the Young North American Poet’s 2010 Collection at the special poet’s rate.  Due to demand, however, this offer expires November 20, 2010, so don’t delay.  Return the enclosed order form or order on line at www.internationalassemblyofpoets/youngpoets-discount.com.

Congratulations again!  We are sure this is the beginning of a wonderful career in the art of poetry.

 

Dear Jessica,

We noticed that you missed the ordering deadline for your copies of the Young North American Poets 2010 Collection, and that you are therefore not eligible for a free ticket to the International Assembly of Poets Symposium at the Disney World Resort in Orlando, Florida this winter, which promises to be one of the largest and most prestigious poetry events ever held.  We were looking forward to hearing you read your poem, “Clouds Know “ in front of more than 1800 poets from over 50 countries.  The International Assembly of Poets has decided to extend your ordering deadline until December 13th, 2010.

We know it’s a long trip from your home state of Minnesota, Jessica, and not all contributors can make it to recite their work.  In honor of this, if you place an order for your five or more copies of the Young North American Poets 2010 Collection before December 13th, we will arrange for your poem, “Clouds Know,” to be read by the famous voice artist Johann DeKlerk.  A keepsake MP-3 recording will be sent to you at no additional charge, along with a crystal glass medallion inscribed with your name and the name of your poem—something you and your loved ones will treasure and which will become an heirloom for future generations.  So order now before it’s too late!

 

Dear Jessica,

The International Assembly of Poets Symposium at the Disney World Resort in Orlando, Florida, on February 13, 2011 was a resounding success, and we are sorry you could not attend.  Our records show that you have not yet ordered any copies of the Young North American Poets 2010 Collection, which contains your poem, “Clouds Know.”

It would interest you to know that one of the Symposium attendees, a poet and single mother of six from the Emerald Isle of Ireland named Gretchen Collins, chanced upon your poem as she leafed through the volume.  With tears in her eyes, she told one of our editors it reminded her “ever so much” of her homeland.

On the last day of the Symposium, however, as Gretchen Collins was climbing the steps to receive the highest award in the international single mother category, this wise and wonderful wordsmith suffered a cerebral hemorrhage and was rushed to the hospital.  She is recovering, we are pleased to report, but the process is arduous and she has neither health insurance nor independent means.  When she walks again—if indeed she is so blessed—Gretchen Collins and her children face destitution.

The International Assembly of Poets has therefore set up the “Gretchen Collins Assistance Fund,” and we are informing all contributors to the Young North American Poets 2010 Collection that a portion of each copy sold will be dedicated to helping Ms. Collins once again become a functioning poet.

Would you not care to help by ordering five or more copies of the Young North American Poets 2010 Collection, Jessica?   If you place your order today, we will immediately forward you a password so that you may download a personalized screen saver from www.international-assemblyofpoets/youngpoetsdiscountgrcollinsscreensaver8.com.  This artistically rendered digital heirloom displays your poem, “Clouds Know,” superimposed over scenes of the Irish countryside, something you and future generations will be sure to cherish.

 

Dear Jessica,

Having not heard from you yet, one of our editors re-reviewed your poem, “Clouds Know ” to see if we had wrongly estimated its literary merit as being worthy of inclusion in the Young North American Poets 2010 Collection.   In doing so, she discovered undertones surprising in a poet of your age bracket.   In fact, Jessica, there appear to be unmistakable references to suicide and drug use.  The question crossed our minds as to whether your parents were aware of this poem?

Don’t be alarmed, however.  To discover such things in the work of gifted young poets is not unusual, and one of our staff at the International Assembly of Poets has been trained to edit away such glitches in lieu of contacting family members or other authorities.  In addition, should you actually be depressed or falling into the use of illicit substances (as several lines of your poem suggest may be the case) the International Assembly of Poets offers a web based counseling program for young literary artists.

Should you like to take advantage of our professional assistance, Jessica, please note that we can offer you not only editing and crisis counseling, but five copies of the Young North American Poets 2010 Collection, your crystalline medallion and your personalized screen saver—all for a one-time-only price of $157.49.

Do respond.  As “Clouds Know,” we need each other.

The International Assembly of Poets

 

 

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